Realization

After contemplating purposeless for so long, I’ve always felt pointlessness in life.  It’s sad, because I began to believe that there was nothing… nothing for us insignificant little specs to do in our short expansion of a life.  But then when I simply begin to enjoy all the things that I love to do… I finally understand what I can do to give me sustanence.

I know what I want!  It's... unbelieveable.  But it's attainable…  And that makes it so much better.  It's a collection of all my passions and joys rolled into this one essence.  Something that, if I look towards and push myself, I know I can do.  And I will do it.  I’ve never been so ready before in my life.

I have everything I need.  Intellect, hope, dreams, support from friends and family… its all up to me now.  No one will stop me!

On another note, isn’t it hilarious how much we reflect the different aspects of our parents?  Or is it just because mine are like polar opposites… hmmm… Anyone else get that notion?

Beneath my skin.

Beneath my skin there is a demon.  He laughs at you.

He thinks your little efforts are a joke.  What are you doing, fooling about in his wretched game?  Playing in a world you that, quite frankly, you shouldn't be playing in.  Are you bored, is that it?  Is your life so meaningless, that you single out the time spent with me to revolve your thoughts and motives about this?  Oh, you know you're playing.  Don't claim ignorance.  Don’t try to be coy.  Idiot.  Beneath these smiles and cordial words, we both know the tables have been set, the pieces aligned in orderly fashion, the cards waiting to be dealt.  But I am the dealer.  I am the player.  I effortlessly garb the skeletal mask in that customary sacrament, where my demon paces about the deep crimson fire.  I can touch it.  I have touched it.

Why do you bother… hm… why do I ask?  It’s obvious.  Unlike my demon, yours thirsts for pain, for mayhem, but most of all, for consideration.  Every head turned causes it to swell in girth to unproportional values.  It screeches in aggravation and thrashes, destroying all it can.

How sad.  If I gave a shit, I would offer a tear.  But I am one of the heads turned.  This inferno is mine.  And mine alone.  I will reap the benefits.  I will conquer.  I will create a legend.  And I will rip off your clawing, clinging limbs as I move forward.  No guilt.

So BACK OFF.

Hand in my Pocket

I just don`t really give a shit right now.  : ) It`s not a bad thing though...

Is it bad that I`m already in the mood to head back to America?  I love my friends here but, the cultural ideas are pretty fucked up... and school is lame.  I don`t know, I miss the freedom and expression of oneself America has to offer.  I like being treated more like an adult... and well... Japan is lame.  Sure, it`s got anime and kimonos, but it`s not really that exciting.  Plus the fact that I`m a foreigner makes it not even worth it to try to become a part of society here.  You`re always a gaijin, always an outsider, and thus will never ever be treated the same.  What`s the use of trying.  Hah.  I guess I`m getting bored of here, huh?  Whatever.  I`ve been getting nervous about the shitloads of work I must do when I get back, so I really feel like just facing them down and dealing with them.  Plus I just cannot wait to see friends and family.

I`m probably going to be choking on these words when I get back to America.  As with any move I have made.  There are always regrets in what I say.  Will I ever find a home where I belong?  I guess California is a place I can consider home, I was born there and moved back there again and again all my life.

Xanga has been loyal to me, so I have returned to praise it and honour it in its glory.  I went back and started to look through all of my old entries.  Its unimaginable how I致e been through so much, so many changes have happened... but... I知 still me.  I知 proud of myself for prevailing through time as the same self.  This world can稚 change me.  This　心　is invincible.

Well, as for me... life really hasn稚 been that interesting.  Life here is just, a lot of hanging out and enjoying myself, and studying. I kind of like it though... but at the same time, it値l be good to be home.  Only 4 months... god.  It痴 almost over, and I hated it so damn much when I began.... now time is just moving so rapidly, and I知 not really ready to go back.  Next month is supposed to be super busy, December too, so basically I have to do a lot of preparing right now.  That and losing weight... I feel fat (...don稚 I always?  But this time I mean it).

I think psychologically, being here has affected me.  I致e been able to see what I value more, and have stayed close to my closest friends in CA, even though I知 a million miles away.  It really means so much to me that they are with me.  Plus it痴 really exciting learning so many languages (trying to keep a hold of Spanish, master Japanese, and learn French all at once).  I think knowing many languages also helps you psychologically, especially when you start thinking in different languages.  So many different views... that I知 trying to shove into my head.  It痴 such an amazing feeling when you manage to though.

I swear it痴 amazing how my Japanese has improved.  I致e been writing a speech... well translating a speech that I wrote in English into Japanese, and although I make a lot of minor errors... it... it makes sense.  That痴 what scares me, because right now I am using grammar points in my speech that I have not learned in class yet, but I use them correctly.I can think like they do.Shit. But I値l never speak like a native, and that lingering thought somewhat depresses me.